Excited and expectant and going to just breathe
February 1, 2012

Just Breathe

It’s good to be back and able to write again.

It’s been hard but things are improving and I feel something BIG is about to happen. I can’t put my finger on it but it’s that feeling when you know things are changing in the spirit realm and a manifestation in your life is imminent.

Since my last post I’ve seen some miracles and had some unexpected blessings. Someone who had been owing me money since 2010 finally paid up and I was able to do a lot with that $2000. And getting that person to pay was a miracle so I know it had to be the hand of God. Business looks poised to rebound as well. Overall, I’m feeling at peace. I’m still behind on my mortgage and have not been able to make the final 2 payments on my car but my power home is on. Yeah, things may seem to look bad in that sense but I’m excited and expectant. I’m excited and expectant because I’m finally starting to let go and let God take over.

Let me explain. I’ve been fighting tooth and nail to fix all the broken areas in my life. My health, my marriage, my finances and my business. Trying to make the changes on my own and hoping God would see all I was doing, how hard I was trying and then jump in and take over the reins and chart things from there. And I was becoming frustrated because it seemed like He was not doing anything. And this just got me more down and depressed and stressed because I’m here, doing my best to get things in my life the way I perceived they should be and God wasn’t working with me. And this just made me angry at Him sometimes. It honestly did. Why wasn’t He not helping me and coming through for me? Couldn’t He see the mess my life had become? Did it not bother Him to see my cry myself to sleep at nights or struggle to deal with the panic attacks that were becoming a constant part of my existence?

Sitting on my couch a week ago I felt Him saying to me that I needed to rest in Him. My Father in heaven just wanted me to rest in Him. He wanted me to lay all my concerns, worries and troubles at His feet, lay them on His heart and just leave them there. He needed me to stop trying to fix everything and change everything and just let Him take control, totally surrendering it all to Him. The moment I realized this I committed myself to just let go.  I could feel His peace washing over me and I’m feeling so much more liberated, content and free.

Now here comes the challenge – letting Him keep the control that I’ve surrendered to Him when I chose to rest in Him. So many times we say we surrender our life and even situations to Him, yet we go back and try to take back that thing we’ve surrendered. But I need to keep this peace, this contentment, this way I feel that I have not felt for a while. This tangible hope. This feeling that although I cannot see it, behind the scenes He is taking care of my life and fixing things for me. So I know I have to leave it all with Him. I couldn’t fix things on my own or change anything, no matter how hard I tried. Now I feel excited and expectant and that’s something truly worth keeping. I’m going to let go and just breathe.


Providence and unexpected blessings
January 18, 2012

Today something really neat happened. On my drive to the office this morning I passed a vendor selling corn and mused to myself how nice it would be to have corn for dinner. I went to work, faced the day and gave no thought again about  corn. There’s a farmer and his mother close to my office and I’ve become close to them in the past couple years. They are some lovely, wholesome and good natured folk I can’t help but admire. Once a week I’m sure to receive a basket full of fresh fruits, vegetables and ground provisions from them and they get rather upset at me suggesting to pay them. I gave up on trying to give them money after the third basket a couple years ago, but I’m sure to remember their birthdays and get them Christmas gifts. They are my friends and don’t expect things in return, but I also want to feel like I’m giving, too.

Being a vegan I appreciate getting those baskets because I love to eat fresh. Yesterday he brought me a beautiful bunch of figs that I was ever so grateful for so I wasn’t expecting him today. I already got my once a week basket. Imagine my surprise when locking up the office for the evening I see my friend sauntering up the driveway with a basket of corn!

Isn’t God wonderful? He blows me away in the little things He does like this. You may call it a coincidence but I chose to believe it was one of those moments of Him providing in advance. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I’d be getting corn the same day I was musing on how much I wanted to have corn for dinner. Providence, indeed.